By now, you've probably heard of cronuts, the half-doughnut, half-croissant pastry equivalent of a liger. They're so coveted, people line up for hours at in New York, where they're made, or they pay exorbitant sums . Here in Chicago, where everything is better, more beautiful and easier, we just get knockoff "Doughssants" from .
Eva: The cronut is only half sophisticated and chic. The other half is loud and wears white socks.
Peter: Who wanted this in the first place? Who bought a croissant and said, 'Dammit, this needs frosting'?
Ian: Me. I did. I actually remember doing that once.
Peter: The croissant was baked first to celebrate Vienna's victory over the Ottomans. The doughssant was baked to commemorate the victory of diabetes over all of us.
Robert: I know everything with a French name is supposed to be fancy, but this tastes like it came from Le Farme Pepper谩ge.
Miles: The water required to make each cronut is gleaned directly from the tears of every French pastry chef ever.
Ian: I hate knockoffs, but it is nice I could fit 10 of these in the genuine Birkin bag I got for eight bucks in Chinatown.
Ian: I love black market foods. And these are way tastier than that pair of human lungs we got that one time.
Miles: As portmanteau-based foods go, this is certainly more successful than Marzipanchovies.
Eva: Does anyone know where I can get some doughssant holes? Or Ssnatch'kins?
Ian: The greatest croissant hybrid is still the Croissanwich from Burger King. Or maybe the Croisstaur, the half-croissant, half-horse.
Eva: But as hybrids go, it is tastier, and cheaper, than a Prius.
Peter: I dunno, have you tried the Chocolate Prius?
Mike: This is lighter and flakier than a Raspberry Cro-Magnon. And not as hairy.
Ian: I don't know what the big deal is. Back in West Virginia, we ate crow nuts all the time.
[The verdict: delicious. It's disappointing they didn't come in the doughnut shape, but maybe that's what keeps them from getting sued. Apparently knockoffs are springing up around the country 鈥� just Google "doughssant" or "cronut" and the name of your town.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at .
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